The Style Invitational Week 863: It's post time
By The Empress
Saturday, April 3, 2010; C02
Tiny Woods x Pleasant Prince = Tiger's
Cub Scout
Dublin x Odysseus = Bloomsday
Alcindor x Bravo Whiskey = Abdul-TheBar
One of our oldest and most
ridiculously popular contests: Below is a list of 100 of the almost 400 horses
eligible for this year's Triple Crown races. This week: "Breed" any
two of them and name the "foal," as in the examples above. Your personal stable of entries cannot exceed 25. As
in real life, the names cannot be longer than 18 characters, including spaces
and symbols.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a pretty little
build-your-own Stonehenge kit that produces a monument way smaller than Spinal
Tap size. If you have a large hand, you could set it up in your palm. Donated
by Russell Beland as a sacrifice to the Gods of The
Style Invitational.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, April 12. Put "Week 863" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Derby Day, May 1.
No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this
week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart.
The list of horses is taken from the full one at BloodHorse.com.
A Little Warm
Ace of Aces
Alcindor
Ashore
Aspire
Awesome Act
Backtalk
Beethoven
Biloxi
Black Snowflake
Blind Luck
Boisterous
Bravo Whiskey
Bulls and Bears
Call Shot
Canthavehim
Catch Twenty Two
Chief Counsel
Clear Alternative
Close to the Edge
Colonel Mustard
Conveyance
Crisp
D' Funnybone
Deep Darkness
Delong Road
Discreetly Mine
Down With Dixie
Drive Home
Dryfly
Dublin
Enclosure
Endorsement
Excessive Passion
Extraextraordinary
Fenway Faithful
First Dude
Get a Grip
Guys Reward
Hear Ye Hear Ye
Homeboykris
Ice Box
In the Paint
Interactif
Johore
Kollege
Launch N Relaunch
Leaving New York
Lethal Combination
Liquidity Event
Lookin at Lucky
Make History
Make Music for Me
Marble Arch
Marching Tune
Moojab
Mr. Saturdaynight
Nacho Friend
Nextdoorneighbor
No Shenanigans
Noah's Dream
Odysseus
One Nation
Overcommunication
Party at My Place
Pleasant Prince
Preamble
Privilaged
Prizefighting
Psychic Income
Radiohead
Raging Wit
Rule
Saw Perfection
Scuba Diver
She Be Wild
Shrimp Dancer
Silenced
So Elite
Spangled Star
Spicer
Stay Put
Super Saver
Switch
The Director
The Program
Thousand Excuses
Tiny Woods
Toboggan Slide
Trackman
Twirling Candy
Utopian
Walking the Beach
Who's Up
Winaholic
Winslow Homer
Worldly
Worth a Buck
Wow Wow
Wow
Ziggy's Stardust
Report from Week 859, in which we asked you to tell us jokes in any of four given forms:
"If they can ___, why can't they ___?"; "You can ___, but you
can't ___"; "It's not the ___, it's the ___"; or "If you
___, they will ___."
The winner of the Inker
If they can train puppies to
use the newspaper, why can't they train yuppies to use the newspaper? (Beverley
Sharp, Washington)
2. the winner of the Loser
key chain custom-made in Thailand: You can rest in a courtroom, but you can't
court in a restroom. -- L. Craig (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
3. You can love your fellow
man in Virginia, but you can't send out invitations. (Larry Yungk,
Arlington)
4.If they can create a thin,
pocket-size, touch-screen-enabled e-mailer/Internet browser/game
machine/organizer/cellphone, why can't they create a cancel button in an
elevator? (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv)
But they couldn't: Honorable mentions
IF THEY CAN put a man on the
moon, WHY CAN'T THEY put a man on the moon? (Bruce Alter, on vacation in Port
St. Lucie, Fla.)
If they can make a microwave
oven, why can't they make a microwave chiller? (I want a cold one NOW!) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
If they can reenact Civil War
battles, why can't they reenact witch dunkings? Oh,
and the witches should wear flimsy T-shirts. (Peter Metrinko,
Gainesville)
If they can create plastics
that won't break down in a landfill for centuries, why can't they use them to
make a garden hose that lasts more than two summers? (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
If they can have Winter
Olympics curling, why can't they have Summer Olympics shuffleboard? (Jeff Contompasis)
If they can tell me I didn't
need to dial 1 for a call to a different area code, why can't they just ignore
the freaking 1 and put through the freaking call? (Elden
Carnahan, Laurel)
If they can put a man on the
moon, why can't they put a man on "The View"? (Barry Koch, Catlett,
Va.)
If they can make a phone that
lets you look up movie times and buy tickets, why can't they automatically
silence the phone during the movie? (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)
If they can call the theory
of evolution a fallacy by finding a single unexplained fact, why can't they do
the same for religion? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
YOU CAN turn words like
"calendar" and "friend" into verbs, BUT YOU CAN'T
illiterate me into doing it. (Russell Beland)
You can put your best foot
forward, but you can't get anywhere unless you also put your worst foot
forward. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
You can win the Nobel Peace
Prize without doing anything, but you can't win the Publishers Clearing House
Sweepstakes without entering. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
You can live by the Bible,
but you can't die by the Bible, unless it's maybe it's one of those big
Gutenberg Bibles with the metal clasps. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
You can pet your mate, but
you can't mate your pet. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
You can call it a tea party,
but you can't drink anything but Kool-Aid. (Larry Yungk)
You can avoid contradictions,
but you can't avoid contradictions. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
You can take my committee
chair, videotape me smoking a crack pipe, give me a field sobriety test after a
traffic stop and censure me for awarding a city contract to my girlfriend, but
you can't take my dignity. -- M.B., Washington (Stephen Dudzik,
Olney)
IT'S NOT the subtle feeling
of rejection, IT'S the mace. (Barry Koch)
It's not the heat, it's the
high water content in the atmosphere that elevates the vapor pressure to the
extent that evaporative cooling is ineffective. Also, you should take your hand
out of the toaster oven. (Tim Livengood, Columbia,
whose only previous ink was another geeky entry in 2003)
It's not the view of Russia
from Alaska, it's the . . . well, everything else. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
IF YOU leave me now, and take
away the biggest part of me, THEY WILL probably ask you what you're going to do
with my butt. (Randy Lee, Burke)
If you walk out of a bathroom
with Nutella all over your fingers, they will not get
the joke. Even when you lick it off. Trust me on this. (Kevin Dopart)
If you text your entry while
trying to drive, th (Kevin Dopart)
And Last: It's not the number
of entries you submit to the Empress, it's the submission to the Empress in
your entries. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo., who includes an embarrassingly
bad suck-up poem to the Empress with his entries every freaking week)
Next Week: Ten, anyone? or The X Games